Just Me-2017

As a nurse, just like in any profession, there are good days and bad. Some days are really good, some really bad. Unlike other professions though, many of our bad days come with sadness. We see sick kids everyday. We care for them and their families. We bond. We connect.

One of my last shifts on nights, is thus far, the worst I've experienced in my year of nursing. I admitted a patient with what we thought was a common illness. Turned out to be something much worse.

The patient spent the last few hours of alertness with me.

Just me.

I questioned whether I was caring, loving, attentive enough.

I was the random nurse coming and going from that hospital room that night.

Just me.

Did I do everything possible? Did I make the patient feel comforted?

I remember that patient asking for a simple request. The patient asked me to give a back massage.

Just me.

At first, I blew it off. I had more important things to do that night.
The second time I was asked, I gave a quick simple back massage while rolling my eyes.

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time.

The patient went downhill and fast. By the time family returned, the level of consciousness was waning.

The patient was transferred to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, where less than 24 hours later the patient was no longer with us.

It took me a while to process my emotions from that night. It was my first patient death.

At first I beat myself up, questioning everything.
Why didn't I truly give my time?

As time passed, I learned from this experience.
I learned to spend that little bit of extra time with my patients because you never know when it will truly make a difference.

If only we could see the future, how different we would do things.